me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!