Become ungovernable.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Our lord and savoury.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much