A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
This is painfully accurate 😅
This was my dad’s browser history.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Just me?
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.