The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.