People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
dutch is not a serious language
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe