for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Become a minion. Get that bread.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked