Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*