Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
#Caturday
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Wait a minute…
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift