Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I have never heard an armadillo before.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
