DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Pringles
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
won’t smith
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
🤔😂😂
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?