You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I did not eat the cake…
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?