Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
my lower back watching me try to live my life
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Festive toon…
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*