*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality