I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.