She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…