When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I have never related to anyone more.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Google assistant rules
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.