taking melatonin is not enough I need blunt force trauma to the head
Wait.
Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?
[sees my pet ant crawl into the room where my wife and I are arguing] we can’t do this in front of her
Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.
I stopped by my parent’s house today briefly and my mom told me she’s “spending the day bed rotting” & that it’s her “new thing”. I swear, it’s like I have a 70 year old teenager.
1. Go to party
2. Eat all cheese at party
3. Leave party
ME: Happy New Year, Dad. We love you.
DAD: That’s great. Hey, put the dog back on the phone. I got another joke for him.
pretty sure we already dropped enough balls in 2024
Me: It’s so good to have time off to write!
Neighbor: It’s chainsaw day, bitches!
Ugh.
Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call
Me: Did you bring a poop bag in case the dog poops?
Bf: I brought 2 bags!
Me: Oh, good. I can take a poop then too.
First date idea: we take your cat to the dog park.
95% of being a scientist is getting really excited to tell people about something catastrophic.
Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.
Not to brag but I’ve stuck to my diet for the entire month of January.