[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*