Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.
Dear Aliens,
Now would be a good time.
Thanks!
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”
Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”
We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.
[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit
If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.
Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that
If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.