I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
