A Short Story.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Thanks to a fan for this one!
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
me and the Superbowl rn
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
