it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months