Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
😲 WTF? 😆
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza