Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
My birth announcement for our third baby
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Me sliding into hell like
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.