Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My dad teaching me to drive
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
This is Sparta
who did the taste test?
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
