eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Thursday
how to have fun when you’re poor
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
what?
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Two types of dogs.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck