If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
What’s a Messi?
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!