That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
My dad teaching me to drive