streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”