Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I’m giving up ice.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.