My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
My Sentiments Exactly
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Sign at work today
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.