At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
groan^2
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot