My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
Fun Things
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
they see me scrollin
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
