It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Not all heroes wear capes….
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.