Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Love this one 😂🧟
True
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
#oldknees
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*