Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
August 8
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Me trying to walk in a dream
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!