March 16
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Why I divorced her.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Why soy sad?
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
