wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
i want the dreams to chase me for once
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.