I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.