fired
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
March 16
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Why I divorced her.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!