If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
🖤✌🏽
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!