Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Phones down.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.