What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Grandmother clock.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*