Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
i want the dreams to chase me for once