i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house