I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?