My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
It kinda feels like this rn
