HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.