I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Mornin
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster