Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Knock Knock
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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