I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I love you…
…r dog.