We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
