they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Received some very disappointing news today
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.